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Autumn Song: Essays on Absence

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In a world marked by absence and brokenness, Autumn Song: Essays on Absence by Patrice Gopo speaks to the possibility of grieving, healing, and embracing change.

Image courtesy of interviewee. December 7, 2023

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The speaker is a personal essayist with over 15 years of experience, and shares insights about their journey in writing essays, particularly focusing on their first collection, "All the Colors We Will See," published in 2018. This video video collection details their experiences as a Black American daughter of Jamaican immigrants, growing up in Anchorage, Alaska, emphasizing themes of racial identity and immigration.

Following the completion of that book, the speaker faced a creative struggle, unsure of what to write next until inspiration struck during a trip to the North Carolina Mountains in autumn, leading to the realization that another essay collection could be developed, titled "Autumn Song." The collection explores themes of absence and loss, reflecting on the changes in life as one moves into midlife.

The term "Autumn" serves as a metaphor for transition and contemplation on what one loses or leaves behind, while "Song" represents the personal narratives and stories that shape identity. The essays in this new collection address various types of absences, including physical places lost to redevelopment, changes in personal relationships (such as the speaker's parents' divorce), and the emotional and physical changes one undergoes with age.

The speaker aims to categorize these experiences of absence and encourage readers to empathize with their narratives. They acknowledge that while absences can signal loss, they can also allow for new beginnings and reflections. The message emphasizes the importance of recognizing both absence and presence in life, fostering a deeper understanding of personal experiences, and encouraging readers to discover what emerges from their own absences.

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X-TIMESTAMP-MAP:LOCAL=00:00:00.000,MPEGTS=900000

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I'm a personal essayist

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and I've been writing essays for almost a decade and a half.

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And my first essay collection, all the colors we will See,

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it came out in 2018.

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And that was a memoir

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and essays about my experience

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as a black American daughter growing up.

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Um, the Black American daughter of Jamaican immigrants

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who was born and raised in Anchorage, Alaska.

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So it's really a lot about racial identity formation

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and just immigration experiences.

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And once I'd written that book, I'll just be really honest,

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I was struggling to write in the aftermath.

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I was struggling to create again, to tell new stories again.

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And there was this very long season where I,

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I just wasn't really doing much with words

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and wondering what might be next for me.

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And I came up with this other idea for a project

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that I thought, maybe this is gonna work.

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And then very quickly I realized it wasn't gonna happen

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and there was this kind of void that I was feeling.

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And one day as I was my family

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and I, we were taking a trip

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to the North Carolina Mountains.

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I live in Charlotte, North Carolina,

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and we were taking a trip to the North Carolina Mountains

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and it was the, it was autumn,

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and I was just kind of in this moment, I had this thought,

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I think there might be another essay collection in me.

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I think there might be another story.

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And I think it has something connected to Autumn in,

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maybe in a concrete way, but also a metaphorical way.

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And that was really the beginning of this collection

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that I felt as though I wanted to unearth

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what this possible new essay collection might be.

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And so I did have some essays

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that were previously published,

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but were not part of my last essay collection

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that I'd wanted to potentially use in a new collection.

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But I also had a sense that there were new essays

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that I needed to create.

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And that was really the beginning of Autumn song, was

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that moment of recognition that my writing life is not done.

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I haven't written everything I ever thought.

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And I,

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and also I just wanna acknowledge the recognition

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that a project I thought might happen wasn't going

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to happen, actually made space for this new project

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to arrive, which I think is lovely.

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Maybe I'll take that in two parts

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and talk about Autumn Song first,

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because I think it was an interesting

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pairing of words for me.

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I think the autumn felt very natural

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because of that moment as I was driving in the mountains

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and this idea started emerging, that that sense

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of autumn really felt present.

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Um, autumn is one of my favorite seasons,

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but I also think that many

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of the essays in this collection explore these ideas

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of absence and loss

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and just thinking about what happens when you're no longer

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in the spring and summer of your life,

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but like moving towards, you know,

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the mid point of your life.

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And I felt like Autumn felt like a really

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strong metaphor for that.

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Um, I mean, that's not my own metaphor.

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I think that exists out there as a metaphor,

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but, so that's where Autumn came from.

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And then song, you know, I'm not, I'm not a musician.

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I'm not a singer in any sense,

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but I do feel that there is this deep sense

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that we all have a song of some sort,

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and it's part of the story of who we are

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And what we're telling. And

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so I felt like combining those together was giving this

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acknowledgement of the story

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of this particular season of my life.

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So Autumn Song, it's where that came from.

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Essays on absence that arose

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as I started paying attention to the work.

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So as I started examining the essays

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that were going into this collection,

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the previously published

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or previously written essays plus the new essays,

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I recognized that there was this theme of absence emerging

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as I looked at it because the essays were considering topics

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of loss and disappointment, inequity

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and injustice change in the passage of time.

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And I felt as though absence was this larger umbrella,

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I guess, category for all of these different

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ways in which we see absence function in life.

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And so it just felt very natural when I recognized that

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to add that as a subtitle, one

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of the essays in my collection,

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it talks about the destruction of

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a black neighborhood in Charlotte, North Carolina

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because of urban redevelopment.

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And for me, that was a huge injustice that was perpetuated

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by the city of Charlotte.

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And ultimately what it led to was the absence of a community

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that is no longer in that place, the absence

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of people's homes, the absence of the lives that were lived.

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And so that's for me how I feel

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as though injustice can often lead, create absences as well.

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Things that we actually would want to exist within our world

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that do not because of the ways we have carried out

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and perpetuated injustice in society.

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You know, I will say, I feel as though across the book,

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this is what I'm really exploring is these different forms

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of absences that exist in my life.

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So I know one of the first ones that I thought about was

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what happens when the place

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that you grew up is no longer quite the place that it was.

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And so you have these memories of what was,

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but when you return to that place,

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it's not actually quite, you know, that anymore.

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And I think for some people it's no longer there at all.

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You know, you think about what I just shared about the

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destruction of the old Brooklyn neighborhood in Charlotte,

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and that neighborhood is no longer there.

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In my case, I feel as though my hometown, it is still there,

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but is dramatically changed from what, what I experienced.

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I think another way of thinking about absence and

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and absence that I've experienced is that my parents,

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their marriage is no longer in text.

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So they're divorced. So there is an absence of the family

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of origin that I came from.

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And so what do you do with that reality that

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that no longer exists either,

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but you know, some of those things they feel,

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very heavy and weighty.

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But I also think, you know,

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absence occurs in other ways too.

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I mentioned this idea of this exploration of midlife,

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and the reality is I am not the same as when I was 25.

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I, you know, that there's a lot of things that are,

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you know, have changed and shifted I think, you know,

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physically, but also even emotionally and mentally.

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And I think there's this sense that as we continue to grow

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and change as human

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Beings, there is an absence of who we once were

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because that no longer is here.

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Instead we are the person we are today.

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I really felt as though I wanted to create some categories

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around different types of absences

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and places that you might experience them.

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At least I was experiencing them ways in which I was

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experiencing absences.

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Uh, and so I felt as though I wanted to start with some

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of the most concrete ways of looking at it, dwelling.

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So places we live, you know,

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thinking about this neighborhood that I've mentioned

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that was destroyed, thinking about the changes in my own

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hometown, you know, those are very

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concrete things moving all the way to what I think of

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as the more abstract of changing.

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And, you know, that can take on these many different layers

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and ways of seeing that.

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But what I really wanted to communicate across that was

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that sense of how the absences almost build on one another.

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That there's this building that's happening

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and we're experiencing them in all face facets of life.

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Excuse me. The reality is,

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I think any person out there is going

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to be building lives amid a multitude of absences.

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And this book for me is my experiences

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as one black woman encountering absences.

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And what do you do with those absences?

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What do you, how do you make sense

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of those absences in life?

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I hope readers will take the fact

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that they're getting a window into another

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person's experience.

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I think that ultimately is something that helps

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to build empathy and compassion in the world when we are

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able to see and experience what someone else might live.

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But I also hope readers will take from this, that

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the absence of something often gives way

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to the presence of something else.

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Now, I'm not saying that all absences are great

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and it's fine, but I'm also not saying

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that everything is a tragedy

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because there is absence that exists.

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I think there's complication here.

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And so what I would hope

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and encourage people to think about is if they're examining

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the absences they may experience in their own lives,

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that they're also making space to look for

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what might be emerging as well

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and what might also be present there.

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