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How do families handle the inevitable friction and how do they make sense of evolving family relationships? Ruth Nemzoff, an expert in family dynamics, discusses here.

Image courtesy of interviewee. July 25, 2024

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The speaker discusses their experience of writing a book titled "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children," motivated by the common issues people face with their in-laws around the world. They emphasize that the complexities of in-law relationships vary culturally and can lead to confusion due to different expectations and familial dynamics. The speaker highlights the common insecurity individuals feel in comparing themselves to others, particularly regarding wealth and education, but reassures that what matters most to family members is love and presence rather than material gifts.

As societies change, especially in different countries like India, there are shifting expectations about living arrangements with in-laws, illustrating the evolving nature of family structures. The speaker points out the importance of understanding these relationships and warns against putting spouses in difficult positions where they must choose between their partner and their parents. They stress the complexity of human relationships, encourage forgiveness, and promote an understanding of the diverse ways people can connect, asserting that difficulties are a natural part of building strong relationships. Ultimately, the message is to value genuine connections over competition and to adapt to changing dynamics within family relationships.

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I had written my first book, don't Bite Your Tongue.

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How to Foster Rewarding Relationships

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with Your Adult Children.

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I would always pick a shorter title in the future,

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but at any rate,

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and I kept hearing that people were having problem

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with their in-laws.

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And so that was my motivation.

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I thought, wow, this is a whole new topic.

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And I started talking with people and researching,

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and that's how the book happened to get written.

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The other thing is I was speaking all around the world

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and I found this issue was universal, that,

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in China, in India, in America, in Britain,

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everyone was grappling with their in-laws.

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And part of the problem is nobody knows what an in-law is,

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in different countries.

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It per certainly in the English language,

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we use the term in-law, meaning, spouse of our child.

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We also use it for the other parents.

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We also use it for, in some families, it includes the kids

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and the aunts and the uncles and the siblings.

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So, in English,

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we only have one word in many language in Farsi,

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in in Spanish and Yiddish people have special terms

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that, that designate these people.

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And with that comes a lot of different obligations.

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I think in some ways it's a little insecurity,

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wondering, my God, these other people are richer than I,

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or these other people are more educated than I,

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or these other people are more talented than I.

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And in fact, they may be,

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but that's not what the kids and grandparents care about.

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Uh, the grandchildren care about.

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They care about how you love them, how you help them.

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And so I say to people, run your own race.

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You may not be able to take them on a fabulous tour

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around the world every year,

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but you might be able to take them to the park

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and, you know, give them full attention

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and play with the little kids on the swings

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or give them a weekend away for the grownups.

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So, I would say run your own race.

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Uh, this is not a competition.

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This is building a relationship.

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Well, I think it's the ambiguity.

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So, we don't really know what the relationship is.

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It's changing all the time.

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So even if you marry the boy

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or girl next door,

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each family has its own little subtle rules and regulations,

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and it's very hard to figure out exactly what those are

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until you are actually, in the relationship.

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Uh, and we also know they're changing around the world.

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So for example, in India,

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when I was living in India back in the sixties, I found

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that, all my friends were living

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with their husband's parents.

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Now, the young people don't wanna do that, so

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there's an expectation of the older generation

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that is not being met.

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Uh, they live with their in-laws

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and now their children don't wanna live with them.

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So that's changing, and it's changing all around the world.

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And also, different subcultures have very different,

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thoughts and, and feelings about

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what is your obligation to be in-laws.

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So for example, in some families, you are supposed

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to be at every kid's graduation, every

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holiday event.

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And in others it's only the nuclear

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family, which gets together.

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Some in-laws may expect to be, you know, really close

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with their in-law child.

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And the in-law child may not like it.

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So one might, for example, come from a family

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where you run in and you hug everyone,

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and another family is finds that a little offputting,

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the newcomers to the family.

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Well, what are these strangers hugging me for?

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Uh, in that some families are expected to call the in-laws.

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Uh, you, you as the in-law parent expect your in-law child

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to call you mother or father.

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And the child being, no, no, no, I got my own mother

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and father, I don't wanna call you that.

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So, it can be very complicated for them also.

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But what's interesting is it can change over time.

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So many times, when the young couple meets

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and bonds, they get married, their focus is on each other.

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And then over time, if they have children, for example,

04:40.775 --> 04:42.825
they may decide, we need your help.

04:43.365 --> 04:46.105
And this certainly happened during Covid, that

04:46.175 --> 04:47.585
that families suddenly realized,

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my goodness, I need help.

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And who do they turn to? The parents or the in-laws.

04:53.545 --> 04:56.825
Yeah, even in, as one of the things that happened

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and is we're revolutionary over Zoom, we discovered how

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to babysit virtually.

05:03.475 --> 05:06.495
So I remember one day in particular where I was,

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babysitting for one of my children on one coast

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and one of my children on the other coast,

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and I put them together

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and I was babysitting for two children on two to co

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to coasts for an hour.

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And so a lot of creativity, parents, grandparents, you know,

05:24.845 --> 05:26.485
the beginning was, can you hear me?

05:26.505 --> 05:29.405
Can you hear me? And then grandparents became incredibly

05:30.325 --> 05:32.725
creative cooking with their grandchildren,

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singing nursery songs with them,

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keeping the kids busy, don't cause trouble.

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In other words, don't put your spouse in a position

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where they have to choose between you

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and the in-law, you, you and their parent.

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Because, you know, we all have obligations to both people.

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We owe our parents something,

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they brought us into the world.

05:57.185 --> 06:01.325
Um, although certainly in Western countries, we think less

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of that obligation, but we, we have some obligations.

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We're probably not gonna leave our parents living under a

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bridge if we can possibly avoid that.

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So I would say if follow your spouse's lead on this,

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I hope you take from the book

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that all human relationships are complex

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and the only relationships that can exist are ones

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that have some difficulties and then move on.

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So I would urge you all to be forgiving.

06:36.315 --> 06:39.555
I would urge you all to understand that there are many,

06:39.745 --> 06:41.915
many different ways of relating to people,

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and they're not necessarily right or wrong.

"Navigating In-Law Relationships: A Universal Challenge"

00:00:00 - I had written my first book, don't Bite Your Tongue. How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children. I would always pick a shorter title in the future, but at any rate, and I kept hearing that people were having problem with their in-laws. And so that was my motivation. I thought, wow, this is a whole new topic. And I started talking with people and researching, and that's how the book happened to get written. The other thing is I was speaking all around the world and I found this issue was universal, that, in China, in India, in America, in Britain, everyone was grappling with their in-laws.
00:00:47 - in different countries. It per certainly in the English language, we use the term in-law, meaning, spouse of our child. We also use it for the other parents. We also use it for, in some families, it includes the kids and the aunts and the uncles and the siblings. So, in English, we only have one word in many language in Farsi, in in Spanish and Yiddish people have special terms that, that designate these people. And with that comes a lot of different obligations. I think in some ways it's a little insecurity,
00:01:29 - or these other people are more educated than I, or these other people are more talented than I. And in fact, they may be, but that's not what the kids and grandparents care about. the grandchildren care about. They care about how you love them, how you help them. And so I say to people, run your own race. You may not be able to take them on a fabulous tour around the world every year, but you might be able to take them to the park and, you know, give them full attention and play with the little kids on the swings
00:02:11 - So, I would say run your own race. this is not a competition. This is building a relationship. Well, I think it's the ambiguity. So, we don't really know what the relationship is. It's changing all the time. So even if you marry the boy or girl next door, each family has its own little subtle rules and regulations, and it's very hard to figure out exactly what those are until you are actually, in the relationship. and we also know they're changing around the world. So for example, in India,
00:02:53 - that, all my friends were living with their husband's parents. Now, the young people don't wanna do that, so there's an expectation of the older generation that is not being met. they live with their in-laws and now their children don't wanna live with them. So that's changing, and it's changing all around the world. And also, different subcultures have very different, thoughts and, and feelings about what is your obligation to be in-laws. So for example, in some families, you are supposed
00:03:33 - holiday event. And in others it's only the nuclear family, which gets together. Some in-laws may expect to be, you know, really close with their in-law child. And the in-law child may not like it. So one might, for example, come from a family where you run in and you hug everyone, and another family is finds that a little offputting, the newcomers to the family. Well, what are these strangers hugging me for? in that some families are expected to call the in-laws. you, you as the in-law parent expect your in-law child

"Navigating Complex Family Dynamics: The Evolving Role of In-Laws and Parental Obligations"

00:04:14 - And the child being, no, no, no, I got my own mother and father, I don't wanna call you that. So, it can be very complicated for them also. But what's interesting is it can change over time. So many times, when the young couple meets and bonds, they get married, their focus is on each other. And then over time, if they have children, for example, they may decide, we need your help. And this certainly happened during Covid, that that families suddenly realized, my goodness, I need help. And who do they turn to? The parents or the in-laws.
00:04:56 - and is we're revolutionary over Zoom, we discovered how to babysit virtually. So I remember one day in particular where I was, babysitting for one of my children on one coast and one of my children on the other coast, and I put them together and I was babysitting for two children on two to co to coasts for an hour. And so a lot of creativity, parents, grandparents, you know, the beginning was, can you hear me? Can you hear me? And then grandparents became incredibly creative cooking with their grandchildren, singing nursery songs with them,
00:05:39 - In other words, don't put your spouse in a position where they have to choose between you and the in-law, you, you and their parent. Because, you know, we all have obligations to both people. We owe our parents something, they brought us into the world. although certainly in Western countries, we think less of that obligation, but we, we have some obligations. We're probably not gonna leave our parents living under a bridge if we can possibly avoid that. So I would say if follow your spouse's lead on this,
00:06:42 - that all human relationships are complex and the only relationships that can exist are ones that have some difficulties and then move on. So I would urge you all to be forgiving. I would urge you all to understand that there are many, many different ways of relating to people, and they're not necessarily right or wrong.

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