Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships

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Khara Croswaite Brindle discusses how unhealthy mother-daughter relationships are examined, emphasizing the enduring effects and need for therapy to find peace and redefine identity.

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Institution: University of Denver

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Khara Croswaite Brindle discusses how unhealthy mother-daughter relationships are examined, emphasizing the enduring effects and need for therapy to find peace and redefine identity.

Image courtesy of interviewee. December 22, 2023

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This video video discusses the author's motivations for writing a book on estrangement, particularly between adult children and their parents. Over a decade of therapy with clients revealed a common struggle with the decision to remain in or sever these relationships, mostly rooted in emotional pain and historical trauma.

Estrangement is defined as a significant disconnect in relationships, which can cause profound grief and feelings of loss akin to mourning someone who has died. The author emphasizes that estrangement is often a difficult, non-impulsive decision, complicated by attachment issues and personal identity crises.

The narrative introduces a cycle of estrangement that includes stages such as recognizing abusive family dynamics, questioning these relationships, and the possibility of a relationship rupture that leads to estrangement. The author acknowledges two forms of estrangement: physical and emotional, with each presenting different challenges.

This video video highlights the importance of understanding clients' experiences in therapy, advocating for a neutral, curious approach rather than promoting estrangement or reconciliation. Nine composite client stories are interwoven to illustrate the concepts discussed, demonstrating how individuals navigate their estrangement and identity.

The author aims to help clinicians better support clients going through estrangement by providing insights and skills for therapy, while also recognizing the broader community's role in supporting those affected by estrangement. Ultimately, the text encourages a compassionate, client-centered approach to this complex issue.

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So what motivated the book was a bunch

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of clients I was seeing over the last decade.

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Um, all of them had different backgrounds,

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different diverse situations happening,

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and yet there seemed to be this pattern that they were going

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through with questioning should they stay in a relationship

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with a parent, in this case their mothers.

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And so I decided to write a blog about it, see

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what people thought my colleagues validated.

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Yep. We're seeing this too, and got kicked off this into

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being a book and a model and all sorts of good things.

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So, estrangement for folks who are watching

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is a permanent

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or what feels permanent, disconnect in a relationship.

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So estrangement can happen between a parent

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and child, it can happen between siblings, it can happen

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between extended family.

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So I, on a personal level, am married into four generations

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of estrangement, which means that four different,

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like if you think of that Gina Grant,

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like four different lines are disconnected from one

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person at the center.

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And so although that didn't influence this book, I am owning

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that now that I'm also married into

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estrangement and see that dynamic.

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And my spouse is the one person who's still in contact

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with this person who's disconnected from parent, sibling,

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son and grandchild.

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So, it's actually an, it's a parent of my spouse.

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Well, estrangement has a huge grief and loss response.

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I think that the community at large thinks

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that there's this generation of folks, younger folks

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who are estranging from parents

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and that it feels easy, quote unquote,

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when really it feels like a death.

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It feels like a loss to the point

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of I'm no longer in contact, they're gone for me.

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And so I think that's the biggest thing too.

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Name for an audience is like,

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estrangement is a difficult choice.

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It's a long process. It's not usually impulsive.

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There's a lot that goes behind it,

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which is why people come into therapy for that work.

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Um, and so when it comes to worth

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and like attachment trauma, there's a lot of reworking of

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who am I without that relationship?

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Who am I if I don't have my mother in my life?

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Who am I if I don't have my father in my life?

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Especially as we navigate holidays, family gatherings,

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significant milestones where families expected to be present

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but might not be for that individual.

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For some people it leads to more like a long lasting,

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you know, we think of bereavement as the initial phase,

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but now it might be like grief and loss at a longer level.

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Uh, it might be something like post-traumatic stress

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disorder where it looks like really significant,

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like a traumatic loss

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because for some folks it is on the relational side,

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it makes people reluctant to connect with others, right?

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So they might have a, a fear of I can't get close

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to anyone because my parent

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who in my own narrative is supposed to be safe

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and protective and loving unconditional love, right?

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But if I'm not connected to that parent,

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why would I put myself out there in other relationships?

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So I actually see a, a group of people who are kind

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of averse to connecting with other people.

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They might struggle with intimate partner relationships.

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They might self-sabotage those relationships.

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They might have a narrative of, Hey,

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I can't really get close to anyone.

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I can't trust anyone. And so that shows up in therapy

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as well as they're like, I want this.

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I crave this connection with people,

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but I don't feel like I have the

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Safety and trust to go there.

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And that's a long lasting effect for sure.

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So, you know, the estrangement cycle,

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I talk about it like being like literally a cycle

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where it moves around, right?

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But like for a lot of people,

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they come into therapy at any point in this cycle.

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So in my experience, maybe we just start

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with like they recognize that the behavior

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of the family member is abusive.

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Whether that is traumatic or neglect

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or physical, emotional sexual abuse,

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they might have this aha moment of,

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other families didn't have this dynamic.

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Now I'm aware that something's amiss from that.

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They move into questioning. So we have eight stages total.

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So we go from cycle abuse to questioning

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and that questioning might lead them to have a conversation

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with the parent where they're like, Hey,

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I just wanna like check this out with you.

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This is what I remember as a child happening.

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If that parent responds favorably with compassion,

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then there's, you know, work that can be done to repair.

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However, for a group of people,

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that dialogue ends up being moving

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into a relationship rupture.

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So the parent does not respond favorably.

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They say, what are you talking about?

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I don't know what that, I don't remember

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that you're making that up.

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You're crazy. All sorts

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of really hurtful things can be said when an adult

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child asks these questions.

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So from that, questioning,

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we go into relationship rupture.

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If it's really significant, it might lead

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to a permanent estrangement, which is,

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I don't wanna talk to you anymore.

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This doesn't feel healthy.

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I've tried everything I can try as the adult child.

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So now I'm gonna cut you off.

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There are two types of estrangement.

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There's physical estrangement and emotional estrangement.

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So physical is that proximity of like,

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I literally don't ever see you in person.

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So I'm not coming to family gatherings, not coming

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to holidays, not visiting home.

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Sometimes these adult children move away

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and don't tell the parent where they moved.

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So that physical distance feels really

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significant emotionally.

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There's another group of people

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who step away from their parent

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by saying like, I'm just too busy.

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Which is funny 'cause I talk about

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this with clients all the time.

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We are too busy. Um,

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but they use that as an excuse to not show up

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for the family gathering

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or to say like, I can only be here for an hour

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or I have to go back to work.

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And so it creates this emotional distance, kind

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of a slow burn over time.

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So physical stranger, it feels more in your face.

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This is happening. Like everyone in

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that dynamic knows that it's happening.

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Emotional estrangement feels like a slow burn

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where maybe the parent feels bewildered months

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or years later realizing

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that they're disconnected from their adult child.

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Uh, so from estrangement, as we move further into the cycle,

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then we go into grief and loss, right?

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Of like, now I, I recognize

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as an adult child, I don't feel good.

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I feel like I've lost my parents.

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It's practically like they died.

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And so grief and loss might be when they come into

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therapeutic work as well from grief

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and loss, then they need to discover sense of self.

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Who am I? So your question like

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who am I if I don't have my parent?

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What is my identity without them, they usually move from

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that into deeper work and finally they redefine their self

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worth of like if this is a permanent estrangement,

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do I still have value in my community if I don't have

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attachment to a parent?

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Especially 'cause there's still plenty of people

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who assume the family system is intact when actually one in

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12 people is estranged from at least one family member.

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So it's much more common than people realize,

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you know, I think it depends on the person.

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So something I'm really, really explicit about is

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that I'm not here champion a estrangement or reconciliation.

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I think it's per person what they need to do

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for their own health and wellness.

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Some people will go a few stages into the cycle

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and then reconcile and be like, you know what?

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I'm gonna try again. I'm going to reconnect with my parent.

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I'm going to see if we can make it work for my clients.

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They had tried that several times

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over and they were exhausted.

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They were just so tired of trying

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so hard feeling like it was one sided feeling like their

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parent wasn't acknowledging their experience.

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It was just a complete shutdown.

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You're wrong, you got it wrong. You don't remember this.

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Right? And that was so undervaluing for them.

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Like it was just so unhelpful

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that they're like, I just have to cut ties.

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So folks can go through the whole cycle multiple times

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as they like reconcile temporarily or try again.

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Some folks won't go through the whole thing.

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But for that redefining self-worth kind of at the top

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of our image of our cycle, that can be

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with or without a parent.

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For some people it might be, I

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recognize my parent was abusive and my identity shifted

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because of that with that new awareness.

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So it might not even be about the dynamic between the parent

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and them, it's much more like how do I see myself knowing

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that I had abuse in my childhood

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or had neglected my childhood or trauma in my childhood?

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Especially if I say intergenerational

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trauma as part of that cycle.

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So there's nine, nine client stories

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and I put this in quotes

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'cause they're a compilation of clients that's not identical

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to any one client, but they were inspired

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by true client events.

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And so nine women's stories that I sprinkled throughout

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to illustrate what it looks like in each of those stages.

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We've talked about, what it looks like

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to question should I go back to talking to my mom?

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Did I try hard enough?

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So a lot of like inner work that was happening,

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that grief and loss.

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So, you know, the one that stands out

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to me is Nina of the book.

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So she had a mother who verbally

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and physically abused her since she was eight years old

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and then had a lot of like self-doubt when she was an adult

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because she had this repeated to her constantly day in,

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day out, you're not good enough,

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you're not good enough, you're not good enough.

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And so she struggled a lot with relationships as an adult,

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whether that was friendships, intimate partners.

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Um, she actually struggled with addiction at one point,

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so she had a lot going on.

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And until we actually did some of that self-defining work,

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to realize that this wasn't hers to hold,

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she was really in like a self-sabotage spiral for years.

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I mean we worked together for almost 10 years.

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So it was quite a process for her to keep coming back.

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And once a year she would always question, do I,

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should I talk to my mom Now, you know, she had changed

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but we weren't sure if mom had changed at all

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'cause mom wasn't in therapy doing her own work.

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But for Nina, this was a question once a year

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when she really missed her mom.

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I know that Nina has the person

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that inspired Nina has actually moved to another state

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and has built a new life for herself

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and she's celebrated about eight years sobriety.

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So she's doing really, really well.

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Um, but you know, there's that, that pain, that grief

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and loss every year at trauma anniversaries

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and holidays like Mother's Day where, you know,

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it just like hits her hard like any other

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person estranged from their mother.

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That mother is not part of this equation.

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And so when these holidays come up,

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it just really brings the grief back

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to the surface for anyone really.

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That's where I wanted to write this book.

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I didn't feel like there was a book for clinicians.

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I think there are books for parents, there's parent,

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there's books for the adult children.

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Um, I wanted to come at this with, hey, we need

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to be curious, we need to be neutral.

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So one of the nine assumptions I name in the book is

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that therapists are telling their adult clients

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to disconnect from their parent.

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So basically saying that we are championing

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estrangement, which we're not.

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And so this book really talks about

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how can we navigate this with neutrality?

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How can we be curious about their experience?

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How can we help them on their journey?

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Even if they don't go through the whole cycle?

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Is this helpful for them to say here's the mile marker of

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where we are in the therapeutic work.

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Um, so I talk about, you know,

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24 different skills in the book that you can utilize

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to help women in this process

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or men, it was written for women

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and as daughters, but men also.

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And then I also talk about community

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and what community can say that hurts

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or helps someone who's in estrangement.

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It's not just us as therapist doing this work, it's

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how are they building a community of folks who understand

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how difficult this was and hold a lot of compassion.

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So I actually built, in the book,

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I named some clinical competencies.

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So I broke it down into like intake assessment.

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When you first start with a client to interventions,

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which is the meat of the work we do to kind of that wrap up

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of, hey, the work is done with us,

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you're moving on with your life.

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And so by like labeling these competencies saying if you do

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this, rank yourself on how well you do the things.

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Like is this something that was in your awareness?

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For some clinicians, they look at this checklist

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and go, I didn't even think about it this way.

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So that to me is, is the mission of like,

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there's the curiosity.

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Oh, I need to look at this differently than I have.

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So many of us have our own stuff.

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Uh, especially if we have,

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I mean if we're mother daughter dynamic

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or we have a mother,

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this can really bring up some stuff for the clinicians too.

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So I think having those competencies to ground them in

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that while also saying, here's some client stories to have

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that empathy and compassion breaks open.

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Any kind of bias that they might've had of like,

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I'm pro estrangement or I'm pro reconciliation.

11:11.275 --> 11:12.515
I don't think we get to make that choice.

11:12.695 --> 11:14.035
Our clients get to make that choice.

11:14.255 --> 11:17.155
So I really challenge that throughout the book as well. I.

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